And throughout all of it, there was a reason behind the pain to begin with. Dad was being a prick, Mom was being a whore, something or other was causing me to want to jump off a bridge. And I was given a lucky break and a chance to get away from it all.

But now I find myself sinking back into my same old patterns. I wake up wishing I was with Ben, and I'm not. I go to school hoping that things will be different, that I would be different. But I'm not. I'm just a burnt out, hollow imitation of everything I used to be.

I haven't voluntarily written music or poetry or short stories for a while. And at first I thought it was because my mind was betraying me. You can't write stories about happiness when you're not happy, and you can't write very rational stories that revolve around a drama queen like yourself if you aren't the least bit motivated.

Or that's what I kept telling myself. I wasn't motivated, I didn't have time, whatever. Excuses were there and I used them.

And now I have time and plenty of motivation, and I still can't do anything. Finals are coming up and I can't bring myself to study. Things are fine now at home and I can't bring myself to be happy. Everything is good. Except for me.

Used to be that when I got to be like that, I'd just pick myself back up, brush myself off and try again. I'd find my friends, and they'd be the ones to cheer me up. I'd find my husband-to-be, and he'd make my day.

But sometimes I look at these people that used to be so important to me, and I'd realise something. And the more I thought about it, the more I became convinced it was true: They were made for this world, and I was not. That makes me different from them. I have less of a coping ability with shit like this, or so I thought. But according to everyone else I'm doing damn fine. I just don't believe it.

And I thought I could pretend. Pretend happiness, pretend recovery, pretend anything to cover up the truth. But I can't. And I'm tired of it all. Waiting for the winds to change, waiting on the world to turn... I'm over it.

The fire that used to drive me, it's burnt me out. And there's nothing left but a massive emptiness and a disappointment of myself and the circumstances around me.

It would make it so much easier if I could convince myself I wanted to die.
But I don't even care about that anymore.

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[ℓiחŋie]&[вeиηy]
[27.08.07]to[∞]
I don't know where to begin; Well I've just arrived
Now I'm locked in; and caught up in your mixed up world.

To be honest, I'm not sure exactly how much I have to offer since I haven't figured this all out myself. But I can guarantee you that you can get out of this place. You don't even need the motivation to fight really. You just need that little part of you inside that hopes that it won't always be so hard if you just push a little bit more.

This is another part of the battle. You're being tested to see if you can pull through this slump and come out on top. And it won't be easy, but you can accomplish what needs to be done. You'll also come out a lot stronger and with a lot more confidence in yourself and your abilities.

I would suggest starting with a list. What has to get done for finals? What else do you need to get done? Then you'll have a guide to help you. Even when you're feeling apathetic, you can look at that to do list. And I bet you'll feel a little tug that's telling you to get it done. Then you can push forward and work on it. Plus, isn't it fun to be able to cross stuff off of the list?!

A lot of the time, I find myself in these slumps because of a cycle. You don't feel as though you're doing anything so you start feeling down and then don't do anything because you don't see how you feel as though it won't make any difference. However, being productive can really motivate you. Like once you realize that you ARE making a difference and getting stuff done, you feel that pride in your work and you want to do more. Really, it's like that saying that you have to jump back into the saddle or whatever. Make yourself get the stuff done and I bet you'll feel good about yourself for it.

I also suggest opening up to friends and family. Let them know how you're feeling. Then when you need someone to push you harder to get stuff done, you'll have your support group instead of trying to do it all alone. You don't have to do it alone. You can lean on others around you. Maybe gather a study group for finals. Then you're doing it for a group rather than just yourself. You may be willing to give up on yourself, but I doubt you're willing to disappoint others as well.

You could also reach out for some professional help. There's no shame in admitting that you're feeling weird and need some help to feel like yourself again. Just talking it out might help you feel a lot better about your situation.

Hope this helps and you start to feel better. Good luck on your finals!

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kid, I wrote back,
all lovers betray.